“ The role of distance in online romantic relations”
This week I want to discuss a very interesting question, something I personally would like to understand much better than I do now. This question is about “the role of distance in romantic relations”. Last week I attended a lecture on this subject, after which I started to investigate more about it.
Many couples face periods of separation, whether long or short it is possibly one of the greatest challenges. In today’s highly mobile world, there are a lot of communication possibilities and if both partners are willing to expend a little effort distance should not be a problem. Communication between people who are separated from each other can take place through different channels. However, there are some aspects that need to be taken into account.
Without the reassurance of physical touch or quality time, it’s easy for couples to grow apart and forget all the reasons why they began the relationship in the first place. Communication is a key part of any relationship, and when long distance is involved it becomes even more important. One thing that couples who are separated by distance miss are the daily going- on things in life. Sending an email that mentions the small things as well as the bigger things can help to connect more to each other’s lives. But why is it still so hard to stay involved in each other’s life? And what are the hazards?
Role of distance
When we are writing love letters and nowadays e-mails to our loved ones, there is a very long period between sending and receiving the message. Also, returning a response could take some time. People are often in different emotional states, it is scientifically proved that people make different choices in different emotional conditions. A research of Loewenstein et al in 2001, showed for example that people in a happy state are reluctant to gamble. Another research of Mackie and worth in 1989 showed that people in depressed mood do deeper processing. For example, anger appraisals of certainty, and individual control where fear appraisals of uncertainty, and situational control. If there is a long period between sending and receiving messages, emotions and moods within the sender and receiver can change. Imagine sending an e-mail to your loved one, after fighting with your boss about a disagreement or after a long day of stress about an exam. The tone of the e-mail would differ from the one you send in a very happy emotional state. This can lead to misunderstandings. On the other hand it is very difficult to transfer emotions to the other person. We use facial expressions to transfer our feelings; happiness by smiling, sadness by crying or anger by contracts our eyebrows. Communication channels such as telephone, sms and e-mail cannot transfer facial expressions. Skype on the other hand allow people to see and hear each other, but still in a minimal context.
When we are writing love letters and nowadays e-mails to our loved ones, there is a very long period between sending and receiving the message. Also, returning a response could take some time. People are often in different emotional states, it is scientifically proved that people make different choices in different emotional conditions. A research of Loewenstein et al in 2001, showed for example that people in a happy state are reluctant to gamble. Another research of Mackie and worth in 1989 showed that people in depressed mood do deeper processing. For example, anger appraisals of certainty, and individual control where fear appraisals of uncertainty, and situational control. If there is a long period between sending and receiving messages, emotions and moods within the sender and receiver can change. Imagine sending an e-mail to your loved one, after fighting with your boss about a disagreement or after a long day of stress about an exam. The tone of the e-mail would differ from the one you send in a very happy emotional state. This can lead to misunderstandings. On the other hand it is very difficult to transfer emotions to the other person. We use facial expressions to transfer our feelings; happiness by smiling, sadness by crying or anger by contracts our eyebrows. Communication channels such as telephone, sms and e-mail cannot transfer facial expressions. Skype on the other hand allow people to see and hear each other, but still in a minimal context.
Different context
Context plays an important role in human communication. The meanings of words depend on the context. For example, if the weather is really bad and someone says ‘Nice weather today’ most of the people know that this statement is sarcastic. Anyone who has difficulty taking into account the context may interpret the language completely different. Even more difficult than the observable context (such as words) is the unobservable context. Unobservable communication is not only what we say, but also the things we do not say. In other words, what is not said but is meant (implicit context) and the things we add with our imagination. This is called ‘concealed ‘meanings. Communication is a complex subject and we must not only understand the words or phrases. We also have to take in account the (social) world and intentions behind the words and the intentions hidden behind the words. Without that context, communication is often quite incomprehensible and confusing. If two people are separated from each other it is hard to imagine the social context of the other person. Because of this, it is hard to transfer ‘concealed’ meanings in the right way.
Costing too much money?
I found a very funny and interesting article at www.scienceblogs.com some economist speculating about ‘why long distance relationships fail’. Mr. Cowen wrote, “People in long- distance relationships may spend more money than local lovebirds”. How is that possible? The answer lies in the Alchian- Allen theorie developed in 1964 by economist Armen Alchian and William R. Allen, this theorem states that adding a per unit charge to the price of two substitute goods increases the relative consumption of the higher price good. In other words, you don’t take a long trip unless you are going to make it worth your while! Very few people in a long- distance relationship are going to fly across the world just to hang out in sweatpants with their lover.
“If your boyfriend or girlfriend who lives, 3,000 miles away is worth dating, it better be high-quality because you might as well have no boy- girlfriend than a low-quality boy- girlfriend who lives 3,000 miles away”
Gender differences in long- distance relationships
Interestingly, commitment to long distance relationships varies by gender. Several studies have found that women exhibit and express more commitment to their relationships than their male partners. When studying long distance relationships, Dellman-Jenkins et al found in 1994 that women make more maintenance efforts such as, phone calls etc. Also, Schebel et al found in 1992 that women report more effort in long distance relationships. Overall, studies on both long distance and non- long distance relationships have found that women show more commitment to and more effort in maintaining their dating relationships than men did in the same study.
Interestingly, commitment to long distance relationships varies by gender. Several studies have found that women exhibit and express more commitment to their relationships than their male partners. When studying long distance relationships, Dellman-Jenkins et al found in 1994 that women make more maintenance efforts such as, phone calls etc. Also, Schebel et al found in 1992 that women report more effort in long distance relationships. Overall, studies on both long distance and non- long distance relationships have found that women show more commitment to and more effort in maintaining their dating relationships than men did in the same study.
Conclusion
Whether the problem is the context, role of emotions, money or gender differences communication is in my opinion the key part of any relationship and as I said before when long distance is involved it becomes even more important. It may cost more effort and information exchange about topics that might not seem important but this is necessary for the relationship to succeed. ....
Thank you for reading by blog this week… I hope you enjoyed it and please don’t be afraid to give your opinion…
Denise
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